“For this is what the master, the LORD, the Holy One of Israel says: “If you repented and patiently waited for me, you would be delivered; if you calmly trusted in me you would find strength, but you are unwilling.” Isaiah 30:15
“How are you doing?” my sweet friend asked me a couple days ago. In that setting and at that moment I knew she was asking in a genuine, tell-me-how-you-really-are kind of way. Within two seconds my guard came down and I shared my heart with her.
I began to tell her that not too many days before that, I had shed some tears over all the emotions running through me and in that moment, though all I wanted to do was text or call my closest friends, instead, I talked everything out with Jesus and it was good. It was one of those moments that I knew turning to anything else but Him would have been worthless and nothing anyone would have said would have been helpful. It wasn’t a self-pity moment; it was an honest, this-is-where-I’m-at-Lord conversation that was passed its due date. Thankfully, our emotions don’t define our relationship with Christ, but they are a part of our relationship with Him.
Looking back, I think He just wanted me for Himself.
I confessed to her that for no good reason, I’ve apparently lost my ability to write anything the past few months. That the thought of writing a blog post is nearly daunting and the little blue “W” icon at the bottom of my computer stares blankly at me all day long. That every time I start clicking on the keyboard, I get a few paragraphs in and end up trashing the whole thing because it’s just not good, or helpful, for lack of a better word.
Looking back, I think He just wanted me for Himself.
I shared with her that for the first time ever in my life, as I’m discerning who I can trust with the secrets of my heart, I’ve kept my mouth shut. That somewhere along the way I’ve seemed to have lost all communication capabilities that include both small talk and deep talk and that’s a quandary for someone who is usually an open book.
Looking back, I think He just wanted me for Himself.
I admitted to her that it has been a disheartening season, somewhat lonely, and I don’t know how to communicate that to someone without sounding like a Debbie Downer, but it’s my reality. That sometimes (ahem, most times) in ministry you don’t have it all together but somewhere along the way I’ve believed the lie that people expect you to have it all together. When in reality, people relate to your messiness, not your perfection.
Looking back, I think He just wanted me for Himself.
In the middle of the conversation the word silent struck a chord and I realized that’s exactly the season I’ve been in. A quiet season. Me and Jesus. And you know what? That’s okay. While our temptation is to flee the seasons we loathe, sometimes even the ability to put vocabulary to our seasons helps us to be content while moving us a step forward.
In my own life, and maybe I’m not alone, I’m really good at multi-tasking. I can pour out my heart to both God and man and I enjoy doing both. But over and over again we’re told to pour out our hearts to God, for HE is our refuge, not man. Somewhere along the way I’ve adopted the idea that as I’m waiting on God, I feel that sharing my heart to others will fix it; that in striving for someone to just hear me, all will be well, but it’s in resting in the shadow of the Almighty, in quietly whispering to Him my innermost thoughts that He renews me. Often living in the shadow means that you’re out of sight; and in our flesh we equate out of sight with out of mind, but that’s a lie. Because you and I are safest in His shadow, in quietly waiting on Him, because sister, I can guarantee that you and I are never off of His mind.
Maybe our most profound seasons looking back will be the one’s where it was just you and Jesus, just me and Jesus, because those are the seasons He’s doing a new thing. Those are the intimate seasons no one can take from you. It’s those seasons that you couldn’t explain to someone if you tried. Though we may looked detached, we are more attached to our Creator than ever, and there is joy!
Like my friend shared with me that evening, “Sometimes if we’re seeking and asking the Lord to speak to us and He appears to be quiet, it may be because He just wants to be with us.”
And if I’m learning one thing right now, it’s learning to calmly trust Him.
Looking back I can see clearly now, He’s wanted me for Himself.
And it is well with me.
“I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62: 1-2, 5-8
