Rocking the Roles

Marriage as an Organization

MEN	WOMEN
Lead	Nurture
Head, protect, provide	Helper, lover, submission
Specific leadership (Luke 22:24-26)	Specific support & nurture
Head of the wife (Eph 5:23-30)	Subject to their own husbands
Biblical leadership (servant leader) Responsibility, not priviledge Service, not being served Support, not superiority	Workers at home: old-fashioned, content to stay at home, chaste, dutifully obedient, friendly & amusing, careful over money, not over-dressed, religious without being fanatical, adept at spinning & weaving (p.40)
Head: life-giving, protector, provider, lover, responsible for, developer of	Positive, creative, challenging, vital role, helping, loving
Male Headship: Responsibility, not rank Sacrifice, not selfishness Duty, not domination	Proverbs 14:1 states, "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands." (I see this in America!!)
Seek wife's best, even if it's at your own expense
Headship is a calling to empower another person; not indulgence

The Problem

• Until his life's destiny was further clarified, Robin Hood spent several years robbing from the rich & giving to the porcupines. (p.63)
• Some women don't know how to nurture. It's an art they've never seen.
• Today husbands are not leading and wives are not nurturing. Fear is increasing and intimacy is decreasing.
• Neither sex could handle leadership and nurturing alone. (p.54)
• These modern marital problems were experienced and written 2000 years ago in Rome. (p.37)
• After WWII, electronic gadgets emerged at home freeing our time for "what"?! (p.33)
• Portrait of American Traditions (Remember "traditional" does not equal "biblical")
  • Traditional Family: permitted & even encouraged men to "love" their families by neglecting them in the interest of earning a living. (p.32)
  • Traditional Marriage: the father's emotions and inner life were not open for his wife and children to see
• Biblical Marriage is not necessarily traditional marriage. "And although they never turned to the Bible to begin with, their view of marriage violated some important biblical principles." (p.27)
• Traditional Marriage & Family Disadvantages (p.31-35):
  • Women were neither esteemed nor challenged.
  • Woman's value and identity were measured only with reference to husband & children.
  • Too often, the marriage became nothing more than a contract that kept two people together in a legal & financial partnership. (God's original intention called two people to be fused together into "one flesh"; intimacy.)
  • A commitment to mutual tolerance; co-existing.
  • The killer of love is creeping separateness.
  • Today, young men and women in their 20s and 30s are afraid to give themselves to one another in any capacity. They fear intimacy because they haven't seen much success in intimate relationships.
  • God's people have a wonderful opportunity at this moment in history: to create a biblical family and not a traditional one!
• Nowadays, it seems as though women only want to pursue material gain. They want to be rid of even the most basic household responsibilities, as if to become nothing but consumers of luxury items, often bankrupting their families in the process. (p.38)
• Adultery became the accepted and expected norm for both husbands and wives [2000 years ago in Rome].
• The family is the basic building block of society. The real lesson here is that a society of unstable families is a society of trouble. (p.41)
• Yet we're foolish to simply wring our hands and say that nothing can be done. For at the very time when Roman family life was at its worse, God intervened (Luke 2:1).
• When the New Testament writers addressed the topic of marriage, they were simply not restating the marriage traditions of their day. This alternative view of the marriage relationship is one that took courage to proclaim in light of prevailing trends. The institution is described in Ephesians 5. (p.46)
• The Biblical Marriage: dependable, permanent guidelines; consistent, reliable, infinitely trustworthy, workable, profitable, trustworthy, fair, and fulfilling.
• If you want your marriage to succeed, you have to feel complete confidence and clarity about who does what and why. (p.49)
• Many people see roles as confining. Roles are seen to keep women "in their place." Any talk of roles brings ugly images of abuse that women have had to endure.
• As far as Scripture is concerned, roles address one's responsibility, not one's rank. Obviously, any notion of superiority/inferiority was irrelevant. What was relevant was life and its quality. (p.50)

Husbands

• To be the "head" is to be a unique blend of leader & servant. (p.65)
• Given authority to lead wives with the style of a servant, not a lord.
• The aim is not to suck the life out of wives, but to be a source of life.
• Headship does not mean special privileges (benefactor) or ultimate power (lordship).
• Christ did not use the church (His bride), He didn't dominate her, or force His leadership on her. He died for her.
• Biblical leadership is clearly not a place of ease and advantage, but a calling to work, sacrifice, and service.
• "There's no greater compliment than to be called servant-leader by my wife." (p.68)
• In setting direction for the family, the servant-leader takes the needs and concerns of each member into account, and considers how the choices will affect each one. This isn't easy; it takes time and a measure of diplomacy.
• The lording-leader treats his wife pretty much on the basis of stereotypes that come from unholy quarters. The lording-leader becomes defensive when his wife challenges him with her own thoughts or views.
• The servant-leader knows that his wife brings a valuable perspective and sensitivity to many issues that he barely understands.
• The lording-leader likes to point out the flaws and failures of his wife. He calls it teasing, but he doesn't notice that she never smiles when he does it. (p.70)
• The servant-leader knows that encouragement gives her energy to grow and develop.
• Though it's never easy, the servant-leader involves his wife in decisions and works hard to reach mutual agreement.
• The servant-leader proactively manages his home and sets the spiritual tone in the home.
• No man will fit these descriptions to a T.
• God knows that in a good marriage things must benefit everyone in the family.
• The servant-leader must continually remind himself that what he is doing is the best thing for his family, because at times, it doesn't always feel like the best thing. (p.73)
• 25 ways to be a servant-leader, beginning on p.75
• Know your wife! Don't operate on heresy, stereotypes, and guesswork.
• As one psychologies explained, "A man can have the best intentions to meet his wife's needs, but if he thinks her needs are similar to his own, he will fail miserably." (p.84)
• In marriage, much of your wife's identity and sense of worth comes from how well she relates to you. Men, when you take time to "be" with your wife, you're paying her the supreme compliment.
• A woman views the wedding ceremony as the beginning of a never-ending relationship with a lot of deep sharing. The man sees it in terms of completing a goal. (p.88)
• If the truth were known, money is not the sole driving force behind women entering the workforce today. The psychological rewards of paid work are making up for a deficit of praise husbands should have been giving all day long.

Wives

• From Titus 2:1-5, these young women needed the insight of wise, mature women to sort out real priorities from vain pursuits that would turn sour later.
• Woman's core role: Titus 2:4-5, "helper." This is not an option, it is a biblical absolute.
• Woman's creation in Genesis 2:18 both exposed a great need within man and at the same time, met it.
• A "helper" is intended to help as a defense against adversaries. In the context of the Old Testament, it appears that a "helper" is a strong person who supports and provides assistance to a weaker person, or someone in real need.
• 1 Corinthians 11:9 is not a putdown to women. A man needs someone custom-made to help him be & do what he can't be & do by himself.
• Many overworked, overstressed wives have become "half-mates" instead of "help-mates" to their husbands. (p.101)
• Husband and wife look to each other with open, needy hands, seeking help, but neither one has anything left with which to comfort the other.
• The question is where your [the wife] primary focus should be. Genesis 2, 1 Corinthians 11, Titus 2, and others indicate that it should be on your husband. The power to accomplish this calling is quite simple. I call it "the power of being there." Being available to him, giving him time, energy, and priority. Just being there for your husband is an incredible source of strength to him. Proverbs 31 explains why the excellent wife has placed this pursuit above many others – because she fears the Lord. (p.102)
• In our own day, it seems that more women view their children as an imposition rather than a gift; a liability rather than an asset. Fighting against the maternal instinct is unbiblical (Genesis 1:28).
• A woman would observe her body and realize she has a very obvious calling. She has a menstrual cycle, a uterus, breasts, and so on. She is the originator of life. (p.114)

The Roles

• Three words summarize manhood: identity, insecurity, and performance. In area after area, men want to win, because we're performance-oriented. Process is meaningless. Its results that count. Identity relates to our deepest need; insecurity relates to a problem we'll spend our entire lives trying to solve; performance relates to our fundamental mindset. It's a wise wife who keeps this in mind for they will explain much about what's going on in her husband's life.
• Some wives seem to know these "secret" feminine ingredients that are crucial to a husband's stability and satisfaction in marriage. Others don't. Yet, without these ingredients, a man's self-esteem can be easily shaken. The wife who wisely stirs these special ingredients into her marriage will find they give her husband strength, energy, life, and happiness.
• What a husband needs: Admiration, support, companionship.
  • Admiration. A man has 2 significant mirrors in his life: one is his work, the other is his wife. Over time, what he receives from them will spell the difference between a life of satisfaction and a life of deep frustration. Of the two, you as a woman are the more important over a lifetime in helping your man feel good about himself. There is something he needs more deeply than love. He needs your respect, your admiration. If his wife fails to give him this, inside he will feel a deep sense of loss. "I love you" means a lot to every woman, but "I'm proud of you" has more value to a husband from his wife.
  • Support. Not financial support, but personal and emotional support. Encourage your husband, be his most loyal supporter. Cheer for him, back him, and inspire him to new heights. He will have no doubt you believe in him. He will need support in 3 areas:
    • Work. How you "feel" about his work is vitally important. Work is a way he defines himself, so how you feel about his work translates (in his mind) how you feel about him. If you encourage and back him in his work, your support stabilizes and energizes him. By doing the opposite, by ignoring, resenting, or competing with his work, you'll leave him feeling empty, resentful, and confused. Daniel Levinson in "Season's of a Man's Life," found that men choose women to marry who they think will "nourish their life's vision" and help them fulfill their identity in a life work. (Note: endorsing a husband's workaholism is unhealthy.) –Proverbs 31:10-12
    • Public. Correcting him, squabbling with him, challenging or ridiculing him in public betrays him at a depth she may not understand. He may not say anything in those moments but that doesn't mean he isn't taking note. He rarely forgets either. He may even seek revenge for it later. Proverbs 12:4 says, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones." Esther 1:12 speaks about a wife not encouraging her husband. The correct place for a wife to challenge and point out deficiencies and problems is private conversation.
    • Seasons of Life. In his 20s, support him in trying to figure out what he's going to do in his life. In his 30s, support him in his desire to take more risks. In his 40s, support him in his doubt about his life success. He needs someone special to talk to about the tremendous feelings of doubt and fear and insecurity. He especially needs a wife who can help lend perspective to his accomplishments and what he's done right. You, more than any other person, can build him up during a period of great instability. In his 60s, he will be able to retire and gives up the center stage of power he's held for so long. Naturally, he will ask, "What value do I have now?" He needs to discover a new purpose, a new direction for his final years. His best hope for insight lies with you – the wife he has come to trust in because you do "him good and not evil all the days of his life." Wives, never underestimate the power of your personal support. It's what every husband needs to succeed.
  • Companionship. A husband needs a wife who will share "his" interests. He loves to have you with him, but may not articulate it. Spending recreational time with is wife is second to sex for the typical husband. A man needs constant reassurance that he is in the right place, doing the right thing. It's energizing to him to be able to test himself by dreaming aloud. You are the trusted soul-mate he can dream out loud with! "In this emotional state, I need someone to pour my heart out to, someone to help me reevaluate, and consider new possibilities/options." Unfortunately, a wife's negative responses may cause a man to hold back from expressing his dreams to his wife: "That's the craziest thing I've ever hear of!", "You can't change now!", "We can't do that!". A "wise" woman is patient with her husband during dream sessions. She also realizes that dreaming is his way of evaluating. What he is really asking is, "Is what I'm doing valuable? Am I good?" (p.125)

Rocking the Roles (ISBN-13: 9781576831250)
Ozzie and Harriet are gone. And with them, the idea that the traditional marriage is the only right way. Rocking the Roles examines what the Bible really has to say about male and female roles. A far cry from the restrictions of traditional marriage or the formlessness of modern marriage, this approach offers a perfect blend of structure and equality, of balance and beauty.
Author Robert Lewis is the teaching pastor at a large metropolitan church in Little Rock, Arkansas. He has been featured many times on the FamilyLife Conferences national broadcast over the past eleven years. Robert has written Building Teamwork in Your Marriage (Word); Rocking the Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage, which he coauthored with William Hendricks and Managing Pressure in Your Marriage with Dennis Rainey.